Monday, July 23, 2012


Whoa, got your attention there huh?  Don’t worry, it’s okay, you can read this.  It’s educational and socially relevant.  But it is about boobs, so you can enjoy it a little if you want.  Sure, discuss it with your parents too.

But I do really want to talk about boobs because I had a revelation the other morning at church.  Yes church.  It was about idolatry.

Due to the backwards morality of Victorian Era ideals, women’s bodies have been a bit fetishized, breasts especially.  For some odd reason, they are accorded nearly the same hush hush treatment as the genitals even though they serve no purpose in reproduction other than as bait, which they wouldn’t be so much if they weren’t required to be hidden at all times in public.  You make something illegal or forbidden and it gains a measure of attractiveness to a certain portion of the population which at times can be quite large.  Drugs are an example. 

Why do good girls like bad boys?  Because they’re not supposed to.

But boobs are a bit of another story, because it’s not just any boobs that are seen as attractive and desireable.  Boobs have a built in aging mechanism (exacerbated by bras, but we’ll talk about that later.)  They don’t stay how society wants them.  Society wants them large and round and perky.  But even if you get those nice large and round and perky boobs on the front end (of life, why so many jokes possible?), you’re damn sure not going to have the same a little later on when they’ve been used for what they were intended.

It’s young boobs, there, I said it.  We want young boobs.

We idolize youth.  Our fascination with perky boobs reveals that.  And when they’re not perky anymore, cut ‘em up and stitch them back together (if you had the material to work with) so they’re perky again.  Never mind that without clothes they’ll never ever again look like they’re real, you can’t hide scar tissue on a boob.  It’s already stretched skin to begin with. 

Maybe they’re not big enough, or maybe they’ve deflated like a morning after party balloon.  Get implants!  Don’t forget to be careful lest you pop one, or in the case of the past, watch out for poisonous fillers.  Oh, also, even if you had perfectly nice boobs to begin with, you can never go back.  And you’ll probably have to get new ones every decade or so.  I’m sure you’ll be popular at the old folks’ home.  HID chrome headlights on a model T.  Smile grandma!

Why is there no honor in aging?  You can’t be younger than 35 to be president, but who wants to look at a 35 year old pair of tits?  And they have to be covered up and padded so that God forbid a nipple would show through?  I find it hard to believe that God created something so prominent and yet it is required to be covered so that you can’t tell it’s there.

God didn’t require it to be covered, you did.  And the counter intuitive thing is that bras only have an effect when they’re on.  They don’t keep your boobs from sagging, in fact, they actually cause the ligaments that support your breasts to atrophy, the same way wearing shoes causes the muscles and important bits in your feet to atrophy.  You were built not too need either.

Stop idolizing the young.  We’re already to the point where the ideal female form is unattainable through natural genetics.  Any female gets even close and her boobs will be too saggy to be acceptable.  We are too soon old and too late smart.  Enjoy your body, ugly as it may be.  You’re great how you are.  

My daughter is going to have to grow up in this world and I'd like her not to suffer through image issues and eating disorders like her mother did.  So knock it off.